la prochaine fois

the last page, a new page

2012-11-25T09:04:00.001-06:00

it is time for a new page. there isn’t any particular reason, but its been four years and you aren’t the same person you were when you started this journal.

so its time for a new place to write with a new title. actually two new journals now.

but before you click to the new pages, here is an index of sorts of places you liked, food you cooked, and things you did.

the last page: places seen

2012-11-25T08:58:00.001-06:00

doing things, learning things

2012-11-25T08:49:00.001-06:00

the last page: projects started

2012-11-25T08:45:00.001-06:00

the last page: nature enjoyed

2012-11-25T08:36:00.001-06:00

the last page: food made

2012-11-25T08:29:00.001-06:00

hamburger halloween

2012-11-01T07:56:00.001-05:00

the road outside your house. the halloween party wasn’t held here – this is just where you stood while waiting to be picked p.

the turkeys are safe for now as it is halloween and not thanksgiving.

the dogs, however, are on alert.

they’re staying close by. waiting. hoping.

they know what is coming soon from the grill to the table.

hamburgers! a rarity in ouidah, but what better excuse of eating them than halloween? after all, both do start with the letter “h.”

as one can tell, it was really a craving for hamburgers rather than the need to celebrate halloween to sparked this dinner.

and your job? pumpkin pie, of course. and this is where you tried a substitution since heavy cream can’t be found in ouidah. a can of evaporated milk, you discovered, worked just fine. and nobody could tell that the cream was replaced.

so when in west africa and heavy cream is nowhere near – use unsweetened evaporated milk.

pumpkin pie adapted from foodbeam

1 blind baked pie crust

500g pumpkin puree

3 eggs

70g sugar

170g unsweetened evaporated milk

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 tsp vanilla extract

To make the pumpkin puree, chop and boil the pumpkin, then mash. Add the rest of the ingredients, then pour into the pie crust. Bake until set.

(the reason why there are no oven temperatures or length of time for baking is because when one uses a gas oven with no thermometer, constant monitoring is the only way to go.)

ouidah outdoors and indoors

2012-10-16T12:00:00.001-05:00

you’ve started dipping your feet in the water.

you won’t go further than this – the undertow is just too strong.

and those waves? relentless.

your favorite beach moment is when the waves nearly make contact with the clouds. visually, at least.

ouidah is a tiring city. loud. polluted. crowded. vibrant. busy. not that you dislike it – far from it – but the beach helps balance it out with other things you need: space. remoteness. quietness. trees.

and when you aren’t going to the beach for a break, you’re heading inside your house.

to your sewing machine. not the same one that you left in mali, but a similar one. one that works just as well.

fabric has been collecting around in your house.

and apologies in advance if this turns into a sewing journal – you can’t help it, you only write about things that happen to interest and inspire you at the moment.

for this particular moment of your life, it is west african fabric.

which technically isn’t west african at all, but then is at the same time because of how well it has been culturally adopted.

a scalloped hat has already been made to keep the face hidden from the sun.

a practice basket weave inset has been created as well with scrap fabric.

what will this eventually become?

ideas crowd into your head – too many, in fact. so you release them onto paper where later you’ll refer back to when planning your next thing to make.

ganvié, benin

2012-10-07T12:42:00.001-05:00

if its one thing you really dislike doing in west africa, its touristy things. nothing is ever clear. in the eyes of many you’re only a big pocketbook.

and somehow you got talked into visiting ganvié, a village on a lake.

while you don’t regret it, doing touristy things your first few weeks here was not in your plan at all. or in your desires. and is most definitely out for a few more months.

what makes you happier is being on a bike in the middle of rural nowhere where there are zero expectations. that is your idea of a fun trip.

as you said – no regrets. how can one regret being on a pirogue on a lake in west africa? that would just be silly.

unlike venice in italy which is walkable, ganvié has no streets or bridges. everybody moves with a boat. houses are built on wooden stilts with doors and windows that open to water. a place where one swims better than one walks.

the village was originally founded by people fleeing slave capturers. here on water they found immunity from those trying to kidnap them.

today people come to avoid the noises of cotonou. after all, motorcycles and cars don’t work very well on lakes.

then once your pirogue returns to land, its back to the normal rhythm of city life.

ouidah, you promise, will make plenty of appearances here soon.

ouidah, benin, west africa

2012-09-24T10:57:00.001-05:00

paradise, you think to yourself.

yes, yes it is.

but not because there’s an ocean.

or because there are lagoons.

its paradise because it’s west africa.

the coup pushed you out of mali but art has brought you to benin.

for the next twelve months, this is your old/new home.

taiwan instax

2012-09-12T21:36:00.001-05:00

illegal hot springs.

thirty year old sewing machine.

daytime.

nighttime.

evening.

family.

some moments where the dslr was put away: soaking in hot springs, climbing a sea wall, sewing pajama pants, visiting hsinchu, driving down from the mountains at night, and hanging out with grandma.

and that wraps up taiwan. it might be small, but there really is something for everyone here.

taipei botanical garden / 台北植物園 / tái bĕi zhí wù yuán

2012-09-10T07:33:00.001-05:00

today is your last day in taipei.

this morning you squeezed in some last minute birding at the taipei botanical gardens (台北植物園 / tái bĕi zhí wù yuán).

[nycticorax nycticorax / black-crowned night heron / 夜鹭 yè lù / bihoreau gris]

as you get older – as your grandma gets older – it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to leave taipei emotionally.

perhaps it was seeing the malian family unit with their grandmothers and grandfathers playing and living with their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren every day.

perhaps it was mark not being there when you came back to texas.

perhaps its just seeing how just being there and doing absolutely nothing but just that can make someone, especially someone old, so happy.

[egretta garzetta / little egret / 小白鹭 xiăo bái lù / aigrette garzette]

in any case, in twelve hours you’re on a plane. and depending on your energy level back in texas, you’ll connect the scanner and wrap up this taipei trip with some instax moments.

technically this trip back to texas is nothing more than a pit stop.

because soon you’ll be speaking french. just not in france.

gold face mountain / 金面山 / jīn miàn shān

2012-09-09T09:47:00.001-05:00

yesterday you tried again. the first attempt didn’t work out, but the sky more than cleared up 24 hours later.

you had no problem with the weather for this ten kilometer hike from the shilin to neihu districts in taipei.

which, if you’re ever in taipei, can be found on page 103 in taipei escapes 2 by richard saunders. the perfect non-city guide for those terrible at reading chinese.

now what will you see on this hike?

multiple paths– paved, stepped, dirt, or unpaved – every imaginable kind. wear good shoes. flat and sleep – stretch well beforehand.

dense forests – insect repellent is a must.

some other stuff you’ll spot: sign posts to help you out, mushrooms, tree trunks, and bird nests.

bibiscus rosa-sinensis flowers are in bloom and line one of the paths.

butterflies. with such intense colors, you can’t miss them as flashes of blues and oranges and reds dot the area surrounding you. if you’re lucky they might stop right in front of you.

of course, each time a butterfly closes its wings you can’t help but think about mali.

and how guilty you feel about how less and less painful it is each time you think about the country with its wings cut off.

moving on – you’ll see views of taipei. of skyscrapers and mountains.

with an intense blue sky. because of the rain the day before, the sky is clear. on a normal day it would be hazy thanks to taipei’s industrial side. but those drops cleans out all the pollutants and you have a view that turns mountains into layers.

make sure to keep your eyes lowered every now and then. if you spend too much time looking at views, butterflies, skies, flowers, and trees, you might come close to stepping on this slithering friend. a friend because he is harmless. just don’t confuse him with this one – he might actually hurt you.

your strategy is to jump backwards and stomp your feet to scare him back into the woods.

this is also why one should wear good protective shoes. just in case.

[warning – those links link to photos of snakes.]

last but most definitely not least, your favorite thing on this hike: the boulders.

some climbing is necessary if you choose this path full of rocks.

it adds an unexpected amount of fun into this hike as you have missed those days of rock climbing in france so much.

up, down, left, right – have fun figuring this one out!

once you’re past the rocks, you’ve got a steep descent until you stumble upon some houses.

then those mountain houses turn into city houses.

just like that, you’re back in taipei. oh wait, you actually never left it because this entire hike, from start to finish, was in taipei.

it only felt like it was somewhere far away. sometimes one forgets that taipei is not all city.

the attempt

2012-09-07T10:41:00.001-05:00

today you had it all. backpack, good shoes, hiking guide, camera, water, umbrella, and cell phone.

you heard the thunder, you saw the cloudy skies, but you thought none of that would affect you and your afternoon hike.

but once you arrived at your stop and saw the rain, you realized… nope, a walk on a steep slippery hill won’t do.

so you did what any normal person would do.

eat a big bowl of 豆花 (dòu huā), a sweet taiwanese dessert centered around tofu pudding. with crushed ice, tapioca pearls, and a ginger syrup covering it all.

a mountain of dessert is an okay replacement for a real mountain in your book.

the other thing you do to escape the rain is to go fabric shopping.

such are the alternatives to an afternoon hike.

junjian rock trail / 軍艦岩親山步道 / jun1 jian4 yan2 qin1 shan1 bu4 dao4

2012-09-06T08:44:00.001-05:00

oooh, it’s been a long time since you’ve typed in chinese.

also a long time since you have written a post on time.

and a long time since you’ve been on a rock.

no need to leave the city – taipei has some afternoon hikes you are just now learning about.

expat blogs are the best sources for discovering sides of taiwan that guidebooks don’t cover. it helps, you admit, that they write in english and not chinese.

you’ve not a lot of motivation for day trips for this year’s visit to taiwan because, in no particular order, 1) exploring taiwan with the londoner and the french boys last year was just too much fun 2) you like to hang out with your grandma 3) you’ve found your mother’s 30 year old sewing machine and 4) once you leave taiwan you will be back on another flight before you recover from your jetlag.

so you give yourself lots of mandatory down time.

but afternoon hikes are perfect.

you can have lunch with your family, spend a few hours escaping the crowded and busy city, and be back at home for another family dinner.

would you really believe this place is accessibly by metro? taipei really does have something for everyone – no car necessary.

as you near the top of this quick hike, you spot the tip of the rock.

and there you are. all this time you thought taipei 101 was the place to go for a view – how wrong you were. you make a mental note to bring future friends up here as well.

time to head down.

there are actually various paths to choose from for the descent… you picked the first one you saw. with sandbags? also many breathless joggers running up this one.

in the end it ends here. and then into a residential neighborhood. far from a metro station. you are lost. but in taipei, it doesn’t matter – the taiwanese are always so friendly and helpful at getting you to where you want to go.

the chinese formula is:

請問, (place) 在哪裏?

qing3 wen4, (place) zai4 na3 li3?

may I ask, where is (place) ?

with this, you’ll always find what you’re looking for!

on your way back you pass by a hospital. with birds having an early dinner and a cat hoping (and on the hunt) for some early dinner as well.

sources:
lao ren cha
the daily bubble tea

taipei

2012-09-01T08:31:00.001-05:00

hello september. hello taipei. hello grandma’s house.

hello instax. hello dashui river. hello humidity.

the goodbyes are going coming to come sooner than you realize.

but for now, you are enjoying saying hello to all your favorite things and people in one of your favorite cities.

catching up in houston

2012-08-28T04:29:00.001-05:00

you make your obligatory houston stop. austin is skipped this year because every one you know has moved. houston is where the jobs are, so houston is where your friends are.

houston is also where mark sleeps. but one cannot spend her entire time being sad.

it helps to see mark’s bestie. and mark’s brother. you all laugh about funnier times.

this visit is the most special yet. you finally catch up with two of your closest friends.

oh, not like you do every year where you talk about school and jobs and travels and updates like that.

a catch up that is much more important.

a catch up to 2012 because this friendship, for some odd reason, has remained stuck in 2001 or some other ancient dinosaur era year.

that’s right, you guys have finally left high school and junior high – it only took seven years to do it.

it feels good to finally be on the same page and in the same year. we were always a bit slower than the rest.

you always loved this friendship. but now you love it even more.

but then its time to wake up early and drive four hours north back to dallas.

a few days rest – then back into the skies.

midwest yala yala

2012-08-26T22:46:00.001-05:00

you are now (now being a few weeks ago in early august) in chicago. with a background you like but with no friends around. so it will remain people less. but how you wish you could have heads poking out behind some of those pillars for a fun photo.

but what a great find – painted walls, pillars, and arches under a bridge. such are the advantages of walking. you mentally add this bridge to your list of great future backgrounds to revisit one day.

the first few hours you wander on your own because that is when you want to visit mark and her exhibition. and you didn’t feel like being around others.

this alone time doesn’t last long though. it’s one of your favorite yala yala buddies - along with his moustache – and a nalgene. the other yy buddy will join a few days later.

a coup was not going to kill this friendship. and what better place to meet up than chicago? it’s the perfect meeting point for someone from indiana, iowa, and texas. oh, and a concert by amadou & miriam at a music festival helps too.

by an odd stroke of luck, you have free tickets to the aquarium thanks to a power outage. so it’s off to there.

jellyfish,

more jellyfish,

and penguins are some of the animals you see. dolphins, belugas, whales, local fish, amazon insects, and coral reefs are also spotted here at the shedd aquarium.

a break. updates are passed back and forth. you do love hearing about all these plans and ideas.

time is spent walking and talking. just like in mali. just like in ghana. just like years from now. you just know it.

the next day – a picnic! the strangest part of this malian friendship is that the friendship was rarely formed around food. oh, time was spent complaining, bragging, raving, and dreaming about food, but rarely did you three actually cook or eat together. so here in chicago, you are determined to change that. michigan blueberries, bacon quiche, and a salad do make for a perfect lunch.

more walking. you make a comment about how you refuse to believe that lake michigan is a lake. it’s just too nice and too much like an ocean.

a break, again.

a visit to a zoo.

and then – with the arrival of the second yala yala buddy - just like that – the trio meets again.

at the bean, like real chicagoans.

suddenly your american names are dropped. it is cekoro, madu, and mase who are hanging out. who are drinking beers. who are eating. who are cracking jokes. who are making fun of one another. who are gossiping about other peace corps volunteers. who are recounting a certain bullshit ice cream story with a 24 year old joke. who are momentarily back in mali.

sadly these moments don’t last long. the first yala yala buddy catches his flight out. so from three its back down to two. but in the end, you win – you got to spend the most time together with them individually and as a group.

so with the second, it’s off to visit a bird sanctuary.

as well as take a quick dip. such perfect water. perfect sand. perfect everything. except for the lifeguards in boats yelling at you to move from thigh high water to knee high water.

a ride on the ferris wheel.

then the second YY buddy has to return to iowa. but he extends an invitation to you as well.

“are you sure?” you ask, because “my flight still leaves from chicago and I don’t think I can change that.”

“i don’t mind,” is what he responds.

it looks like corn fields are on the agenda then.

as well as a dam,

cloudy skies,

a river,

and a snake. time to turn around on this iowan island.

back in illinois on the way to a state park, you spot wild turkeys with wild turkey chicks. by the time you pulled out the camera (and made the YY buddy reverse the car) the mother turkey had already sounded the alarm for the chicks to go into hiding.

it’s an improvised camping trip here at starved rock state park.

a call from someone looking for peanuts. a cherry pit spitting contest. a hunt for a cork screw. a tent with missing poles. assembling s’mores. seeing stars for the first time since leaving mali. friendly neighbors. these are just some of your favorite moments.

then the next day it’s off to the actual state park.

here you learn why bald eagles can be found here in winter. it’s because when most lakes and rivers freeze over thus making dinner a bit hard to catch, the eagles flock to where non frozen water can be found. specifically, at dams.

stay on designated paths. if not, you can say hello to poison ivy.

then, a question. are these dents human made or by mother nature? he says human, you say nature. but neither of you two know. it will just remain a mystery.

you’re also on the hunt for a waterfall here as well.

except it’s the same as texas. summer. dry. hot. key word: seasonal waterfall. it’s okay – you came here without any expectations. and you still find this waterfall less area enchanting.

a river bed, but no river. it will return with the rains later.

you leave the park for some horseback riding.

then you’re dropped off at the airport.

and as you gape at this surprise sunset, you hope that as the YY buddy drives west back to iowa that he’s seeing something this stunning as well.

dfw summer exploring: japanese gardens and a hidden waterfall in fort worth

2012-08-22T23:44:00.001-05:00

it all begins with a blog you find. with a photo of a waterfall that you don’t believe really exists in fort worth.

so you do what you do best – you write an email. to your freshman roommate, and you simply send a link with the message, “we are going here. but you name the date. love you!”

you really treasure friends where you never have to ask because you know the answer ahead of time: yes.

and here she is! with her husband. who is also always up for whatever random activity you think of.

however, there is some sad news. they are moving to west virginia. it’s only sad because you’re a selfish person and you rather your friends stay near you. after all, who else will you drag to go find random waterfalls or swimming holes?

there is also another bit of sad news. they’ve never been to the fort worth japanese gardens. and they’re about to move miles away without having ever seen them?

fortunately that is very fixable. so before the waterfalls, it’s a visit to the gardens.

who could imagine that in an area full of construction and highways and gravel and posts and fences…

there could be a wooden wall? a wall that costs $4.50 to cross, but a $4.50 well spent.

because once you cross that wall, you’re in japan.

seven and a half acres of it right next to downtown fort worth.

one thing never changes with any of your friends: you turn them into models anytime you note a good background.

but you do warn them to not fall in, however shallow these ponds might be.

here in the gardens breaks are necessary. one should never rush a visit to a garden.

what might they be looking at?

koi fish! hundreds of hungry koi fish.

they break up the mirrored tree reflections on the surface of the water.

then a good portion of time is spent critiquing the fish. colors, patterns, fins, swimming speed, size – no one is an expert here, but you can’t help but just discuss these moving watercolor paintings.

after the gardens, you all duck into a begonia greenhouse.

a map of the world is found, and you give them the task of finding benin. it doesn’t take long, your friends are smart cookies.

a house is found, and you try to convince them to drop their plans for west virginia and just live forever in the botanical gardens. unfortunately, it’s a tad too small for them.

then… off to the waterfalls! the excitement builds. the suspense builds. you can’t wait to go swimming and enjoy rushing water.

except. except. except.

the waterfall is dried up because it is summer. dfw does not get enough rain to sustain a summer waterfall. it instead is a seasonal waterfall.

a refresher: this is what you were expecting.

and this is what you got.

a trickle is all that remains from the cooler seasons. that’s it.

the disappointment doesn’t last long, as laughter and jokes replace any feelings of letdown. if anything, the story of the hidden trickle will make you all laugh for a long time. many years, that’s for sure.

and according to google, west virginia has plenty of waterfalls just waiting for you to find. you’re going to give your freshman roomie and her husband some exploring homework once they move.

ice creams for a short texas summer

2012-08-21T23:54:00.001-05:00

it all started in mali.

where ice cream was a 30 minute bike ride, a 1 hour bus ride, an overnight stop, a 6 hour bus ride, a 20 minute taxi ride, and finally a 15 minute cab ride away.

and even then, with your tongue that has tasted gelato from italy and ice cream from france – it was below your ice cream standards.

but it still hit the spot. in mali, standards are thrown out. what you have is what you have. ice cream is ice cream. you either eat it or you don’t.

but then you unexpectedly found yourself back in france. choices flooded you. and every time you were at a restaurant and ordering dessert, your eyes would stay hovered over the word glace. ice cream is all you wanted now that you had practically unlimited access.

and back it texas, it wasn’t the oven you ran to. it was your ice cream machine.

so shall we churn?

chocolate gelato

1/2 cup cocoa powder

2 cups milk

5 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped

3/4 cup sugar

4 egg yolks

heat 1 cup milk with the cocoa powder stirred in until it begins to boil, then remove from heat and stir in the chocolate until it is completely melted. set aside.

heat the other 1 cup milk with sugar, then temper the egg yolks by pouring a small bit of the warmed milk and sugar into the yolks, then pour the yolks back into the milk and sugar mixture. continue to heat, never to a boil, until it is thick enough to coat your spatula.

strain the milk-sugar-yolk mixture into the chocolate mixture, mix well, then let it cool. refrigerate overnight. or until sufficiently cool. then churn this mixture and freeze.

source: room for dessert by david lebovitz, p. 125

vanilla ice cream

1 cup milk

pinch of salt

3/4 cup sugar

1 vanilla bean

5 egg yolks

2 cups heavy cream

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

heat the milk, salt, sugar, and scraped vanilla bean seeds together until simmering. remove from heat.

temper the yolks by adding a small amount of the above mixture until the yolks are warm to the touch. then pour the yolks back into the mixture.

cook until it is thick enough to coat a spatula. then strain it into the heavy cream and add the vanilla extract. let cool, then chill in the refrigerator.

once chilled, churn and freeze.

source: room for dessert by david lebovitz, p. 121

from all this ice cream and gelato making, there are a lot of unused egg whites. what to do? meringues? macarons? no, you’re still craving something frozen. sherbets it is.

coconut sherbet

4 cups milk

1 cup sugar

1/4 vanilla bean

1 1/4 cups unsweetened dried coconut, toasted

pinch of salt

3 egg whites

heat the milk, sugar, vanilla bean seeds, dried coconut, and salt together. let steep, covered, for about one hour.

strain and let cool. discard the coconut, squeezing it to save any extra flavor. chill and refrigerate.

before churning, whisk the egg whites until stiff peaks form and fold into the chilled mixture. then churn and freeze.

source: room for dessert by david lebovitz, p. 118

after a while, ice cream making becomes routine. you stop following the directions in a book and just glance at the ingredients for ideas.

your basic recipe is:

cooked milk, sugar, vanilla + flavors (chocolate, nuts, etc) + tempered yolks

strained into

a bowl of heavy cream

chilled overnight. churned. frozen. then eaten.

with different ratios, of course. but that’s the basic technique that you’ve decided to stick to.

pistachio gelato

1 1/2 cups (185 g) pistachios
3/4 cup (185 g) sugar
2 cups (500ml) milk
6 egg yolks
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup (250ml) heavy cream

turn half of the pistachios and 1/4 cup of the sugar into a paste using a food processor. chop the remaining nuts with a knife.

heat the rest of the sugar, milk, and pistachio paste together until simmering.

temper the yolks by pouring a small amount of the warm mixture into the yolks, stirring the yolks, and when warm to the touch, pour back into the main mixture.

heat the mixture until thick enough to coat the back of a spatula.

strain into the heavy cream and vanilla extract. let cool, then chill. once chilled, churn and add in the rest of the chopped pistachios once you see that the gelato is forming.

and freeze.

source: modified from frozen desserts by melanie barnard, p. 69

originally a recipe for strawberry-mango sorbet, but you had lots of mangos and no strawberries. also no rum, but you did have peach liqueur. a few changes, but just as tasty.

mango sorbet

2 medium mangoes, peeled and diced
10 tbs sugar
1 1/2 tsp peach liqueur

puree the mangoes with the sugar and liqueur.
chill, then churn

source: modified from room for dessert by david lebovitz, p. 109

then you made one more – but no photo yet. you see, all the above ice creams were made about one month ago. but then tonight as you wrote this, you started feeling guilty about how every recipe was lifted from books. so you decided to do an improvised experiment in the kitchen.

the experiment

2 cups milk (2% is what you found)
1 vanilla bean
1 cup sugar
pinch of salt
3 yolks
2 cups cream
fresh strawberries, chopped
lady finger cookies

heat the milk, vanilla seeds, sugar, and salt together.
temper the yolks in.
strain into the cream.

chill.

then – tomorrow, as you churn it, you’ll add in the strawberries and the cookies.

already you sense that there are not enough yolks, too much milk that isn’t whole, cookies that are too absorbent, and other things – but hey, you were just curious to see how a 1:1 cream:milk ratio would turn out.

after this last experiment, the ice cream machine will be put back in storage. it’ll be another year before you see it again. but these two months in texas more than satisfied your craving of making and eating ice cream.

dear mark

2012-08-16T10:40:00.001-05:00

at a dance party.

in austin.

at double dave’s. with the rest of the art school kids.

at your openings. you know, because you were on the road to becoming an art star.

in my closest. with my thrifting finds. and then we’d break out in giggles.

in our apartment. well, chelsea’s. and how everyone thought we suddenly were into surfing. yeah, that apartment.

anywhere. it didn’t matter what state or country.

mark – these are some of the places where we should have met again after graduation put us on our separate paths.

but not here. anywhere but here.

not in front of this slab of granite.

not in front of your etched name.

i don’t know what tense to use in this letter. past or present? our friendship is? our friendship was? you might have left but the friendship is still there. i know you? i knew you? you might be gone but i still know mark. i loved you? i love you? oh, i could never put that in the past tense.

the pronouns are a bit more difficult. you never personally told me, and i’m only finding out through the internet. but it seems there is no question that you identify more as she or they. so i will respect you. and i will use the pronoun you wanted everyone to use.

oh mark, i’m so sorry. so sorry this took so long to write. to acknowledge. to accept. will you let me explain?

you decided to leave while i was living in my malian bubble. no internet, no email, no connection beyond the text messages from my fellow peace corps buddies in mali.

you died on march 12th. the malian military threw a coup on march 21st. i didn’t find out about you until march 24st when i had internet access again.

and – something was wrong with me. i didn’t cry for you. i didn’t react. no panic attacks came. i called everyone, i skyped, i talked, i made contact with our closest friends, i did all the things one should do when grieving – except the emotions for mourning you were missing.

where did they go?

and now, five months later, i understand.

three reasons.

1. i was in the middle of reading dune by frank herbert. and there is a character (duncan idaho) that is continually brought back to life and reborn at the push of a button. because of that, i had no concept of death. you were going to come back in my fantasy world. i wouldn’t accept the words suicide or death – i was convinced that those things didn’t happen in my life. i’m sorry.

2. i couldn’t handle mali and mark at the same time. i had to get over leaving mali first. i don’t believe i could’ve functioned as a human being if i had to grieve you both at the same time. so i completely shut you out as i focused on moving on from mali in france. i’m sorry.

3. i never got to meet you in chicago. i never got to know the mark you became. just like there is american cathy and french cathy, there is texas mark and chicago mark. how could i mourn a part of you i didn’t know? so the last few months, trust me, every blog post by one of your chicago friends, every article by a fan written online, i have read their words. i have done google searches on your name for any snippets about you. i have dug up anything and everything related to mark aguhar. since you’re not there, i’m learning about chicago mark thanks to the internet.

then i needed to go to chicago. i needed to see parts of the city that you loved so much that were part of who you became. thanks to your brother, i had a whole list of places to visit you loved. i wanted to meet your friends too, but i didn’t know how to contact them. perhaps another day. i only had to imagine you were with me. i should have visited chicago sooner when you were still there. i’m sorry.

[for any friends who didn’t make it up to chicago, mark’s chicago friends put up a show for her at UIC. my visit is here and the official exhibition site is here.]

i hope you forgive me.

i brought you a present though.

peaches! huge peaches. lots of peaches. don’t think i’ve forgotten how i would come home to suddenly find twenty peaches rolling around on the table as you waited for them to ripen.

and when they were ripe – we ate them. we ate so many peaches. we had so many peach tarts until all that was left in the apartment were peach pits.

so enjoy them.

well, one peach. for you and christine to share. i wanted to leave them all for you, but then realized that rotting peaches on your tombstone wouldn’t be so nice. and nobody would enjoy them. i knew you’d be angry if i wasted good peaches like that. so i just gave them to your parents. i hope they enjoy them as much as i know you would have.

but before i end this letter, i want you to meet someone.

remember this pattern? on a certain chair? yep, it is indeed kelly’s chair. that chair is now in her house.

and while you left this world, someone else came in to fill in part of the spot you left.

josephine.

death, birth, life - such a delicate balance. i’m still trying to figure it out.

josephine is a bit unlucky in that she’ll never meet you. and you’re a but unlucky as well as you’ll never meet josephine.

but then, josephine is going to grow up with you nearby. kelly has some of your drawings around the house. and i am sure kelly will pass on your spirit, your stories, your laughs, your memories to little josephine. so i take that back about josephine being unlucky, she’s super lucky because she’s one degree away from you.

kelly made me tostadas for lunch! it’s too bad you weren’t there to eat with us.

i miss you mark.

lots of love, and i do mean lots,

cathy xx

PS: just because you are gone doesn’t mean i am backing down from our rice vs. bread argument. i’m still determined to bake a loaf that will make you realize that bread, indeed, is, has been, and will always be, the tastier carb.

PPS: all the issues you are passionate about – LGBT rights, gender queer, femme, fat, self-love, etc. – i promise to support it all. its just, right now, i need to say goodbye to you before i can tackle all the things you stood for.

PPPS: i am a bit mad that i didn’t have a chance to tell you my brownie story. or my camping story. mark, i had three years of good stuff to talk to you about. but its okay, we’ll meet again somewhere, some day, and we’ll catch up then. love you!

---------------------------------------------------------------

visit to the dragon is the frame

dragon is the frame

mark aguhar

blogging for brown gurls / calloutqueen

uic mfa portfolio

(for mark)

mark aguhar’s critical flippancy

forest park westheimer funeral home

international suicide prevention

the dragon is the frame // june 29–aug 11 2012 // gallery 400, chicago

2012-08-15T11:31:00.001-05:00

the dragon is the frame // inspired by the life and work of mark aguhar

Gallery 400
College of Architecture and the Arts
University of Illinois at Chicago
400 South Peoria Street (MC 034)
Chicago, IL 60607

june 29 – augut 11, 2012

this is 1) part of a letter i am writing to mark that i will post soon and 2) for all of mark’s friends who couldn’t make it to chicago 3) for anyone who knows, knew, or wants to know mark. all photos are by me but the text is from the exhibition checklist. if you have work featured here and there is an issue with me putting this online, please email me and i will gladly take it down. also, if there are vimeo or youtube links for some of these videos i would like to link to them if you know the URLs. same goes for any artist websites. –cathy

Sources:

The Dragon is the Frame Exhibition Checklist

Mark Aguhar

Artists: Mark Aguhar, Claire Arctander, Nina Barnett, Jeremy Bolen, Elijah Burgher, Edie Fake, Pamela Fraser, Tiffany Funk, R. E. H. Gordon, Steve Hnilicka, Kasia Houlihan, Mark Kent, Young Joon Kwak, Andrew Mausert-Mooney, Marianna Milhorat, Tim Nickodemus, Juana Peralta, Aay Preston-Myint, Macon Reed, Colin Self, Michael Sirianni, Nathan Thomas, Neal Vandenbergh, Xina Xurner and Isaac Fosl-van Wyke, Allison Yasukawa, Gwendolyn Zabicki, and Latham Zearfoss

Artwork from 27 artists inspired by the life and work of the indomitable Mark Aguhar (1987-2012) is presented alongside pieces by this fearless and beautiful artist/activist/goddess. Uncompromising, incisive, and charismatic in her investigations of gender, queer advocacy, and the politics of marginalized identity, Mark deeply transformed the communities of which she was a part. The Dragon is the Frame presents the challenging, compelling artwork she created in dialogue with pieces made by those she was closest to in Chicago. The exhibition format, which intersperses Mark’s works throughout the installation, is an attempt at capturing the way Mark’s communities functioned—individuals in constant communication, always sharing and influencing one another.

The Dragon is the Frame is supported by the College of Architecture and the Arts, University of Illinois at Chicago, and a grant from the Illinois Arts Council, a state agency.

Mark Aguhar
Making Looks no. 1
Fabric

Aguhar created hand-sewn clothing that she incorporated into her daily wardrobe and also wore as costuming in select performances. These pieces—pastel-colored dresses; long, flowing tank shirts covered in fringe—refuse the normative gender connotations that often accompany commercially available clothes. Furthermore, they challenge conventional notions of beauty, as they were custom-designed for a body that did not conform to idealized representations of the male figure. They speak to Aguhar’s love of fashion while serving as a demonstration of self-acceptance and an integral part of her ongoing bodily transformation. Documented on her blog and YouTube channel, Aguhar created “looks” by pairing her self-designed clothing with ever-changing hairdos and glamorous make-up.

Macon Reed
Femme Dragon #3, 2012
Gouache on watercolor paper, 42 x 32 in.

Femme Dragon #4, 5, 6, 2012
Gouache on watercolor paper, 42 x 32 in.

Aay Preston-Myint
Peony Mirror, 2012
Animation, 1:00 min. loop

Aay Preston-Myint is an artist, printmaker, DJ, and active member of Chicago’s queer community. In tribute to Aguhar he has created an animation using a circular mirror image that is similar to works by Roy Lichtenstein but utilizes colors and patterns found in both Preston-Myint’s fabric patterns and Aguhar’s watercolors. The imagery is also inspired by an interior described in Aguhar’s writing piece “Seeing Arrangement,”—“…with the white vanity table / and the art deco shell upholstered seat / in dusty pink / with a matching chaise lounge / across the room / raised on a carpeted platform / next to a 3-view mirror…” The mirror can also be seen as a tool for scrying (a magic practice that involves seeing things psychically in a medium), referencing Preston-Myint and Aguhar’s shared interest in the occult as a metaphor for queerness. Lastly, the piece references Aguhar's diaristic YouTube video practice, transferring the role of performer onto the viewer, but also stifling the possibility of performance by creating a mirror that does not reflect back—reminding us of the lack of a specific body (Aguhar's) but also the possibility of imagining a transformed or utopian body.

Macon Reed
Femme Drag (Ritual), 2012
Video, 21:05 min. loop

“Mark and I spent hours talking about our relationship with queer femme identity. We loved to talk trash about misogyny and heteronormativity while applying thick lipstick and contouring our cleavage.
While I cant say what embracing femme meant for Mark, I feel it was a way of stepping forward and demanding that people reckon with her and her power in the face of disempowering systems such as racism, transphobia, queerphobia, femmephobia, misogyny, fatphobia, etc. By affirming her right to be herself and to love being herself, Mark constantly gave those around her the space to be ourselves and explore our own relationships with gender. And she always looked hot doing it.
My relationship to femme is complex for different reasons. I was socialized as female and identify as female. I am skinny and white, like the majority of people in advertising being pushed into the collective consciousness as "normative" every day. This means I have the privilege of people accepting me and my gender most of the time.
As a teenager I survived a long-term abusive relationship, in which imagery of myself in high femme attire played a part. I grew up to associate my being femme as dangerous, associating it with disempowerment and fear. I now understand that one of the best things I can do to heal is to own that power for myself- to redefine my original femme identity and live in it for me. Mark was unendingly enthusiastic and affirming of this process as I began to articulate it last year. I am so grateful for her.
Femme Drag (Ritual) explores my relationship to femme identity, beauty, and power through the ritual of drag performance and preparation.”

Mark Aguhar
Making Looks no. 4
Fabric

Pamela Fraser
Mark’s Brilliant Mango and Magenta Shorts, My Sage Ombre Sweater, 2012
Acrylic on Dibond, 10 x 8 in.

Pamela Fraser creates paintings that take color as their main subject, exploring the philosophical underpinnings of color and testing the logic of established color systems. Until recently, Fraser served as Assistant Professor of Studio Arts at UIC, where she established a close mentoring relationship with Aguhar. Fraser started this painting several days after Mark’s passing; thoughts of Aguhar had crept into the work without her even noticing and she suddenly understood the work as a form of reckoning with Aguhar’s passing. Fraser’s customary cheerful colors, stripes, and ombres share an affinity with much of Aguhar’s aesthetics, which she describes as a “love of bright, lively, happy colors, patterns, and glittery, sparkly surfaces; in short, gorgeousness.” The painting has a slightly somber, complicated tone while reflecting the joy that Aguhar also loved to display.

Mark Aguhar
Title and date unknown
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Latham Zearfoss
Flipped, 2012
Four-channel sound installation with disco ball and colored lights, dimensions variable, 4:42 min. loop

Latham Zearfoss is an artist and cultural producer living and working in Chicago whose creative practice often centers on reclaiming historical and mythological texts and revising them to incorporate radical notions of love and sex, possibility, and probability. His commitment to art and activism has also manifested in the creation of sporadic, temporary utopias like Chances Dances—a laid back, dive-style, dance optional LGBTIQ safe space. For his contribution to The Dragon is the Frame, Zearfoss set out to create a portrait of a person (Mark Aguhar) without using an image of that person. The resulting work is a sound piece featuring voices of Aguhar’s friends and dance partners who share their recollections of Aguhar on the dance floor. The language you hear conjures her in your mind while the disco ball serves as a focal point for your thoughts, a reflective depository for a de-centered and collective memory. Its sparkling surface recalls Aguhar’s powerful aura in the club environment.

Mark Aguhar
Making Looks no. 5
Fabric

Not You (Power Circle), 2011
Pen and liquid lipcolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Neal Vandenbergh
A Hole is a Thing in a Thing it is Not
Graphite on paper, 15 x 10 in.

Neal Vandenbergh is a 2012 graduate from UIC’s MFA program and a Chicago-based artist working in sculpture, drawing, and video both in and outside of traditional exhibition spaces. A Hole is a Thing in a Thing it is Not responds to conversations Vandenbergh had with Aguhar about rage, punk, and getting into fights. Although it alludes to these larger issues, the drawing responds to a particular event: On April 24th a group of self-identified "angry queers" threw rocks through the windows of Mars Hill Church in Portland, Oregon—an anti-gay and anti-woman church. The action was taken in the name of Mark Aguhar.

Claire Arctander
Please please don't/Eat the daisies, 2012
HD video, 8:25 min. loop

Claire Arctander, a Chicago-based artist who holds an MFA from UIC, creates sculpture, video, and installation work dealing with bodily issues and beauty in a way that often tests the physical limits of consumption. Arctander was particularly inspired by a YouTube video, Daddy Loves Feeding Me Treats, that Aguhar made in collaboration with Nathan Thomas, in which Thomas feeds powdered donuts to the dressed- and made-up Aguhar. As Arctander describes it, “their piece presents a subtle negotiation of power between two people and explores the formation of identity via consumption and rejection. It is simple, straightforward and gorgeous to watch.” After seeing the video, Arctander had several conversations with Aguhar about creating their own collaborative video piece involving eating/feeding. The project was never carried out due to Aguhar’s untimely death, so Arctander made Please please don’t/Eat the daisies as a tribute to Aguhar.

Michael Sirianni
Sissey Sexes Yes Sis, 2012
Gold-plated sterling silver, 9 x 3 1/2 x 3/4 in.

Michael Sirianni’s work continues a lineage of queer identity art, dealing in myth, metaphor, and iconography ranging from the ancient Greeks to contemporary sex clubs and internet chat rooms. Queer identity is at the forefront of Sissey Sexes Yes Sis, which is about naming and naming systems; taken together, the four necklaces present an index of possible names that operate as a palindrome, repeating themselves forwards and backwards. According to Sirianni, “This strong, yet ambiguous affirmation, that has a fluid state (operating as a phrase and as individual words) mirrors my memory of Mark, constantly affirming, proud and forever in flux. The words chosen also represent my relationship to Mark, as a fellow sissey and sister. In a way the phrase also acts as a two way message, like a palindrome, from Mark to Me from Me to Mark.” As such, Sirianni’s work is largely about sisterhood and the loss of a “sister,” further emphasized by the form and material that mimic that of the “Carrie” necklace that character Carrie Bradshaw wore on the HBO series Sex and the City.

Posters downloadable here.

Nina Barnett
She, the Phoenix, 2012
Gold leaf on wall

In creating She, the Phoenix Barnett evokes the myth of the phoenix and its related concepts of immortality, transformation, and fierily flight. According to Barnett, “This relates both to Aguhar as an individual, and also the intense, almost mythical memory of her that exists now.” Barnett’s use of gold leaf relates not only to the phoenix, but also to the gold backgrounds Aguhar used in several of her drawings.

[no photo]

Nina Barnett
The Pool (At Last), 2012
Graphite on paper, 30 x 40 in.

Nina Barnett, whose work addresses issues around space, location, and place, shared an often-discussed love of public pools with Aguhar. This new drawing recalls her experience of an abandoned underground pool that Aguhar discovered on UIC’s campus. When Aguhar directed Barnett to the hidden location, the door was locked. “It was a frustrating moment for us—a charged environment hidden,” Barnett recalls. A week after Aguhar’s death, Barnett returned to the location and found the door propped open. In this drawing Barnett marries the vacillation between denial and access to this space that possesses a “weird emptiness and strange beauty,” to her effervescent graphite marks, which reference Aguhar’s quietly powerful, protective side.

Edie Fake
Palace Entrance (calloutqueen), 2012
Ballpoint pen, ink, and gouache on paper, 14 x 17 in.

Edie Fake is an artist working in Chicago who creates illustrations, drawings, tattoo designs, and printed matter. Much of Fake’s work explores queer identity, particularly transgender identity, in an effort to expand the definitions governed by those labels and therefore, accommodate individual experiences. With Palace Entrance, Fake wanted to create a heavenly gateway/queer palace for Aguhar. With its intricate patterning and jewel-like palette, this work shares strong aesthetic similarities with Fake's City of Nightseries—fictional representations of architectural façades that reference lost, hidden, or secret, Chicago locales. It simultaneously acts as a poignant tribute to Aguhar while serving Fake’s ongoing efforts to re-imagine queer space.

Mark Aguhar
GIRL GANGS AND ROLE PLAY GAMES, 2011
Pen, acrylic, and gouache, 5 x 8 in.

Iconoclasm, 2011
Acrylic, gouache, eyeliner, and eyeshadow, 5 x 8 in.

Gwendolyn Zabicki
Shoes from Google, Shoes from Life, 2012
Pencil, Micron pen, and Prismacolor marker on paper, 18 x 24 in.

A 2012 graduate of UIC’s MFA program, Gwendolyn Zabicki creates paintings with subjects drawn from everyday urban landscapes.Shoes from Google, Shoes from Life is a new drawing Zabicki created based on discussions she shared with Aguhar regarding teaching methods. Specifically, the two took issue with their students’ lack of engagement when using online tools like google as source material during drawing exercises. “We wanted them to be aware of the difference between drawing from life and drawing an object from the Internet that had been photographed in a way to make it instantly readable, universal, and ideal,” Zabicki states. The two brainstormed various assignments that could encourage students to use google search in a more imaginative way; however, Aguhar’s untimely death left the project unrealized. With this drawing, Zabicki makes an attempt towards actualizing the unfinished project.

Tim Nickodemus
Access Knotting, 2012
Oil on canvas, 33 x 29 in.

Mark Kent
Untitled, 2012
Acrylic on canvas, 11 x 14 in.

Young Joon Kwak
Rite of Trans-Mortality Document #7 (Day 5/02:34:15), 2012
Archival pigment print, 20 x 30 in.

Young Joon Kwak is a Chicago-based interdisciplinary artist whose practice includes performative actions, sculpture, video, writing, and her drag-noise-music-performance group Xina Xurner. Rite of Trans-Mortality Document #7 is part of a larger multi-media project in which Kwak seeks to invoke in his audience a sense of agency and anticipation for transforming oneself and a meditation on cycles of life and death. It documents specific points in the ambiguous bodily transformation of Kwak’s drag persona “Lil Elote,” through which her form eventually decomposes into raw clay. Although Aguhar did not serve as a collaborator on this project as originally intended due to her untimely death, she made an indelible impact on Kwak’s art practice: “as my drag sister, her drag is a shining example of the potential to use accessible materials that constitute outward identities—including wigs, makeup, heels, and clothing—for a radical transformation of self. Our camaraderie and her bravery helped me be braver. It is in this spirit that I continue to strive to be braver in my art, drag, and life, just like Aguhar.”

Tiffany Funk
mark, 2012
Video, 13:27 min. loop

Tiffany Funk, a 2012 graduate of UIC’s MFA program, is an artist, critic, and art historian who deals primarily with technological mediums in order to explore society’s relationship with technological tools. Funk was both inspired by and envious of characteristics she saw in Aguhar: creativity, the ability to transform herself and her environment, and a strong will and centered vision in her artistic practice. As Funk puts it, “she didn’t ‘play’ dress-up—this was serious and important business!—she ‘played’ trans identity, gender lines, anti-feminist blogs, and YouTube provocateurs.” This video stems from a vintage lipstick advertisement that features an actress marking her hand with a brand lipstick and then rubbing it off to illustrate its durability. Funk manipulates the pace and overlaps imagery to transform the mark into a flickering, fleeting form.

Zines downloadable here.

Mark Aguhar
xEmoboy1987x, 2006-12
YouTube channel, live feed. loop

http://www.youtube.com/user/xEmoBoy1987x

Mark Aguhar
Pool Boi, 2011
Gouache, pencil, watercolor, and ink on paper, 5 x 8 in.

Mark Aguhar
Patriotism (asia boys), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 5 x 8 in.

Mark Aguhar
Making Looks no. 3
Fabric

Mark Aguhar
Elijah and Garrett, 2011
Rope, Polaroid prints, and sound, 12:00 min. loop

Rope figured into Aguhar’s artistic practice in multi-faceted ways: as an independent object, often titled with a masculine name and exhibited as a sculptural form; as a component of site-specific installations; and as an element of performance wherein Aguhar used rope to bind other individuals. These performances often took place in non-art contexts (among friends and lovers), with Aguhar using rope as a tool of domination. This installation references the way in which Aguhar showed the work at her first-year MFA critique, with rope on the floor and an attendant sound piece. The Polaroid prints were added to the installation to document Aguhar’s use of rope in performance. Among Aguhar’s most challenging work, the rope pieces draw from the vocabulary of bondage to create poetic works that explore gender, queer identity, and sexual domination.

Mark Aguhar
Making looks, 2011
Gouache and glitter on paper, 22 x 30 in.

Marianna Milhorat
Hairflips, 2012
Video, 1:00 min. loop

Working in film and video, Marianna Milhorat utilizes landscape and duration to disrupt and transform notions of space and perspective. For a film that she created while in the MFA program at UIC, Milhorat asked Aguhar to participate in a scene that takes place in a steam room, in which Aguhar’s form disappears into the vapor—a profoundly elegiac tribute to Aguhar. During the filming, Milhorat created a separate video, Hair Flips, which depicts Aguhar glamorously flipping wet hair while a Mariah Carey soundtrack blasts in the background. For her final critique, a culminating display of artwork in the MFA program, Milhorat paired this work with a projection of a post on Aguhar’s blog calloutqueencommenting on the experience: “You know that thing where your friend asks you to help her with this film and she wants you to just stand in a steam room endlessly and you keep almost passing out from heat exhaustion.”

Mark Aguhar
Making Looks no. 2
Fabric

Mark Aguhar
Shaman sag no. 2, 2010
Graphite, colored pencil, gouache, and acrylic on paper, 18 x 24 in.

As is common practice within the artistic community, Aguhar and Elijah Burgher traded drawings at one point in their friendship. Burgher gifted Aguhar a drawing of a symbol he uses frequently called the "anal swastika”—it is the red form embedded in the grey circle in Burgher’s So they do not drown (for Mark). In return, Aguhar gave Burgher Shaman Fag no. 2. With its possession of androgynous sexual organs, the shaman certainly speaks to the issue of being gender queer. Meanwhile, as a figure who uses magic for the purpose of curing the sick, the shaman also embodies one of the quieter themes in Mark's work: the spiritual aspects of self-care. Aguhar returned to this theme in some of her last drawings of crystals and plants.

Elijah Burgher
So they do not drown (for Mark), 2011
Colored pencil on paper, 11 x 17 in.

Elijah Burgher’s work interweaves queer culture with the occult, magic, and witchcraft—themes that share outsider status and insider signs and signals. So they do not drown (for Mark) came about when Aguhar asked Burgher to create a sigil, a magical emblem that encodes specific wishes or desires. He selected colors based on the maroons and oranges associated with hand-made clothing Aguhar produced and wore in Burgher’s studio. The composition references Burgher’s experience and witness of Aguhar’s transition from an ambivalent “he” to a “maybe-lady,” to asking that Aguhar be referred to as “they.” The composition suggests forward movement and transformation, but without definite resolution, as both artists were experiencing tumultuous moments, and the future was especially uncertain at the time this drawing was created.

Mark Aguhar
Untitled [Airplant], 2011
Pencil on paper, 22 1/2 x 30 in.

Mark Aguhar
LET’S B LESBIAN GURLFRANZ W/ R HELLA CUTE HAIRDOS, 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 9 x 22 in.

Mark Aguhar
Transy Girlfriend Looks (Colin S.), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Transy Girlfriend Looks (name unknown), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Transy Girlfriend Looks No. 3 (David S.), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Transy Girlfriend Looks No. 4 (Mark)
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Transy Girlfriend Looks No. 5 (Sofia), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Transy Girlfriend Looks No. 6 (Terry X.), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 8 x 5 in.

Aguhar produced a series of drawings focusing on bodies as observations on intimacy, gay life, gay types, the limitations of typecasting, and a quest for the legitimation of identity. Aguhar’s sketchbooks were filled with such drawings, many depicting friends or fellow members of the queer community. Aguhar began producing them before moving to Chicago to pursue an MFA, and she continued to create them as her investigation of gender and sexuality shifted to other mediums, including sculpture and performance. This selection of six figures complicates gender stereotypes by portraying androgynous bodies and male figures sporting typically female clothing and shoes. The inclusion of the artist’s own body, dressed in purple clothing that Aguhar created for performance and also wore in the studio, reflects the positioning of her own identity within the range of gender and sexuality. The delicate patterning of the clothing alludes to Aguhar’s skill with fabric, while the diva-like posture exudes confidence in her ongoing effort to challenge the status quo.

Kasia Houlihan
To… To…, 2012
Artist book

A 2012 graduate of UIC’s MFA program, Kasia Houlihan creates work that navigates space and the idea of closeness in both physical and emotional forms. Recently, she has collected dedications she finds in books, amassing them into a list for which she has no express purpose. In doing so, she points to the enchantment and mystery in these “micro odes” that exist between the covers of something so public and permanent. For To… To…Houlihan diverged from her normal method of mining published books and solicited dedications from family, friends, and friends of friends, adding another layer of giving to these collected words of acknowledgment. “My new list of dedications would be by another, to another, then passed along from other anothers to me,” Houlihan states. “In the spirit of Mark, I claim these words that were not originally meant for me and redirect them, sending them towards a person who gave us so very much, a person I will forever miss.”

Mark Aguhar
No Top Needed, 2010
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 20 x 25 in.

Jeremy Bolen
Through the pleated chiffon, 2012
Three color reversal film transparencies, 8 x 10 in. each

Jeremy Bolen uses site-specific photographic processes to seek and capture invisible aspects of environments. He shared with Aguhar an interest in rethinking modes of representation by altering conceptions of the document. Bolen's triptych reflects on his photographic documentation of one of Aguhar’s performances for which Aguhar created a new clothing piece. Bolen was struck by the repetitive work of the pleating, which Aguhar carried out over several days. “I remember watching Mark pleating for days in preparation for the performance, and thinking how performative the pleating was. About how many performances it took to create the single image.” Taking the clothing used in the performance, Bolen captures the sheer lavender pleats’ manipulation of light on chrome film. In so doing, he forces the artifact to become a performative event in itself.

Juana Peralta
How Do We Honor a Goddess?, 2012
Collected items and particleboard, 33 x 12 in.

hermana
i hate you for leaving me alone.
I hate you for not calling me.
i hate you for not telling me.
I hate you for making me love you so hard. so ugly. so glamorously. so sickening. so devastating. so beautiful.
I hate you for all those moments i took for granted. all those moments I got to be in your presence.
i hate you because you are my sister. goddess. lover. friend.
i hate because I miss you so much
i hate you because i don’t know how to live without you.
i hate you because I love you and I can’t tell you how much i love and adore you.

Mark Aguhar
Slumber Party (Eric & Daniel in my makeup kit), 2011
Pencil, ink, gouache, and watercolor on paper, 5 x 8 in.

Mark Aguhar
#WHITEGIRLPROBLEMS (#NOTATHING), 2011
Gouache, watercolor, and ink on paper, 5 x 8 in.

Brown Femme Love, 2011
Ink on paper, 5 x 8 in.

Aguhar created a number of small word drawings that combine hand-painted lettering with short phrases that comment on issues that were important to her—racism, gender, identity, and sexuality. Rather than presenting these challenging topics in a grave and serious manner, Aguhar used a sharp wit to strike her audience with language, as with “LOL, Reverse racism.” Aguhar’s use of internet slang (“Lol,” “ur”) references the importance of internet culture in her own life, as someone who admittedly grew up gay on the internet, and further emphasizes the casual tone of the work. Yet, the works’ strong message cannot be ignored. “I Hate Ur White Dick” addresses Aguhar’s disdain for the prototype of white, heterosexual males, whom Aguhar referred to as “uninteresting” and “boring” in her blog, calloutqueen, as much as it is an attack on homonormativity—a politics that does not contest dominant heteronormative assumptions and institutions, but rather upholds and sustains them. At the same time, the work’s playfulness suggests that this hatred might be mixed with desire. Much like poetry that uses direct language to elicit various interpretations, it is the very ambiguity of these works that makes them so powerful.

Nathan Thomas
It's More Hard 2 Love Than It Is 2 Hate (Escape), 2011
Video, 1:53 min. loop

Mark Aguhar
Untitled (triptych), 2012
Pen on paper, 3 1/2 x 5 in.

Allison Yasukawa
I fucked up my nails, 2012
Nail polish and flower petals on wall, dimensions variable

Allison Yasukawa, who received an MFA from UIC in 2010, met Aguhar when she was a prospective student and was Aguhar’s classmate in a course taught by Professor Kevin Kumashiro on the topic of Asian American Genders and Sexualities. For The Dragon is the Frame, Yasukawa created a site-specific installation, in which fresh flower petals are affixed to the wall with gold nail polish. The gold nail polish references Aguhar’s flamboyance and sparkling personality, while the wilted flowers posses an air of melancholy in their reference to the passing of time. Yasukawa describes the inspiration for this piece: “I have one very fond memory of a time Mark and I got manicures. They take, you know, awhile, and it was a wonderful to hang out with Mark while we paused to get our nails did. After we parted ways, she sent me a text, like, two minutes later to say that she'd already fucked up two of her nails. It was such a great Mark moment (and memory) it always makes me smile.”

These are true:

1

the thing is the thing
this is the thing
this is also the thing
the thing exists inside my head and inside your head and on the page and the thing is the key and also the thing
a thing is a hole in a thing it is not

2

beauty is so rare a thing, Pound sang
so few drink at my fountain

3

is fixity the thing
is consistency the thing
is there a difference between sincerity and authenticity
are those things marked by fixity and consistency

4

change is the thing

5

this exists inside this frame but it also exists inside this other frame

6

the dragon is the frame and the gaze is the frame and control is the frame

7

this is the intention and this is the reception and this is the important part even when this is not the important part

8

this is the transubstantiation this is the transmutation this is the transition this is the trans
this is not the cis

These are the axes:

1

Bodies are inherently valid

2

Remember death

3

Be ugly

4

Know beauty

5

It is complicated

6

Empathy

7

Choice

8

Reconstruct, reify

9

Respect, negotiate

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sources:

The Dragon is the Frame Exhibition Checklist

Mark Aguhar

paris plotting

2012-08-10T08:51:00.001-05:00

“mais noooooooooooooooooooooooon!,” you exclaim with shock as the croissant slips from you fingers and hits the table.

“mais oui! demolition is scheduled for december,” is the response. “no more house! the owners have decided to sell it, and the new owners are razing everything.”

you’re back in paris and it is your last breakfast before heading off to the airport.

and apparently also the last time you’ll be in this particular house since it will either be a pile of rubble or replaced by something bigger when you come back a year later.

however, it will not the last time you see this funny face.

he drops you off at the train station. you wanted a photo of his old car. but “vite! vite! vite! cathy there’s a bus coming and i’m blocking the lane vite! vite! vite! vite!” so it doesn’t happen.

off to the airport.

….with a detour first. you squeeze in one last lunch. any opportunity to see faces you like will always be attempted. however the camera comes out only once the plates are licked clean.

here, around a table, is where the paris plotting begins.

ideas are thrown around for how an american can legally come to live and work in france. (if, by chance, one has leads or is searching to hire a certain texan, feel free to send them this way.)

the thing is, the coup threw you off your plan. you had a perfect timeline littered with experience and connections that was going to somehow land you permanently back in france. then the coup happened, and you were sent scrambling. so you’ve learned to not make too many plans. instead you will plot.

how will this plot unfold? on verra! we’ll see!

then two o’clock comes around.

time to go. no more detours.

this one goes back to work.

this one accompanies you all the way to the turnstile for your train to the airport.

then it’s just you, your backpack, and a very satisfied stomach all the way back to texas.

the end.

(of france 2012, that is.)

four days of le finistère: the end (fin) of the earth (terre)

2012-08-01T01:37:00.001-05:00

you step off the train, cross the tracks, and arrive at your very own personal welcome sign.

quimper is the name of the city you’re in.

la bretagne (brittany) is the name of the region.

le finistère is the name of the department.

latin: finis terræ, french: fin de la terre, breton: penn ar bedd, engish: end of the earth.

you are in france’s westernmost point. and although you know the earth is round, you still can’t help but feel that in front of this ocean, you really are at the end.

because you are. this is your last stop in france. the end of your 2.5 month temporary french life. and while you didn’t think you’d be too sad to leave, now that it’s almost time to go, you are. you are sad.

it’s never easy leaving france and not knowing when and how you’ll be back.

especially when there are so many faces that make you happy. like this one, who adopted you for a french christmas and then flew to istanbul on the same plane as you.

there’s just something about the atlantic coast/english channel you love so much.

is it how the light here always manages to slightly hurt your eyes ?

or because each time you find yourself in front of the ocean wrapped in a sweater, where the cold and the wind eventually force you into a café afterwards with your favorite people?

a big reason is probably because how much france protects this coastline. no beachfront hotels, no resorts, no tourist attractions – just you and the ocean. like it should be.

some occasional fishermen digging up worms can be found, but they’re okay in your book.

the close proximity to crepes and galettes is another reason you won’t leave out.

off to a village visit in locronan.

old wooden doors shout your name and you force your friends to do some modeling or you.

lately, this seems to be your style. first, a background will call your name. then you will push your friends in front of the background. then the camera is taken out. perhaps one day this mental list of vertical surfaces will come in handy one day.

one more reason why you love this region so much: just move a little bit and change the time by a few hours and suddenly you’re in front of something that is completely different. one would thing these calm gentle waves with clean sand are from the mediterranean, but no, it’s still la bretagne.

there is no such thing as too many galettes.

repeat: no such thing.

rather than dessert, dinner is finished with a quick drive to yet another beach.

this time at most western tip for some sunset watching.

you might have finished eating, but the shorebirds are dining now.

eagerly you wait for that red balloon to drop.

meanwhile, you force your friends to be your top models.

you look down.

you look up.

you look straight ahead – why hello!

anticipation only makes sunsets sweeter.

but your legs soon become a bit tired.

so plop, you sit on the sand next to your friends.

in the end, the sun never made it. thick clouds moved in and blocked everything.

oh well. perhaps another night then.

there are other things to look at on your walk back to the car.

then goodbye and good night. to day one. oh there’s more! la bretagne must be savored over many days.

the next day is spent first at concarneau.

here you comment to your friend that it reminds you of three places: mont saint-michel, la rochelle, and saint-malo. an island, a port, and walls: three elements that come together in concarneau.

the day ends back at your friends’ home. not the ocean tonight because she has a tapas dinner planned.

you’re the assistant, and your job is to do something with cantaloupe, tomatoes, and brebis.

you help set the table outside, then it is à table.

your favorite phrase. with your favorite people.

the rest of the night is the usual formula: dining, drinking, talking.

then on the third day, your camera wanders away from you. which is how evidence of your pan-fried foie gras lunch exists. you were busy cooking, someone else was busy clicking.

the story is this: over one year ago at a new year’s party you tasted pan-fried foie gras for the very first time. you have never forgotten that taste, and the craving has never left. but seeing as how your last christmas was spent in mali and your next christmas will hopefully be back in west africa, you had to let your friends know that foie gras was on the lunch menu, regardless of the odd timing and their preferences since you needed to taste it one more time while still in france. after all, foie gras in texas? that won’t work.

thank goodness these friends are happy to eat anything and everything with you.

with is the key word – out of principal, you won’t ever eat foie gras alone.

the day continues at pont-aven.

a small village known for its cookies, but its real claim to fame is the aven river where impressionist painters would flock to and paint.

time to leave.

there’s an appointment with the coastline.

this one was found randomly.

the formula is such:

1. get on the road that hugs the coast.

2. when a site is spotted, someone says, “let’s pull over!”

3. pull over.

you recall the words of another friend from brittany who isn’t here. he once said that “la bretagne… c’est un peu la mer, un peu la campagne.”

brittany is a bit of the ocean, a bit of the countryside.

it is a common sight to see fields of green with grazing cows and horses and fields of wheat or corn right next to crashing waves and boats and seagulls over your head.

per your recent style, you turn your friends into the top models that they naturally are.

le vieux marin is what your friend titles this photo.

you’re bad at titles. but this one makes you think of a music title: la petite fille de la mer by vangelis.

no title for this one. just you, the ocean, angry skies, and france. a combination you’ll always love.

don’t be misled by these clouds.

that sliver of sky blue peeking out? it has a message for you, “wait. just wait. go eat dinner. then go home. and on your way home, pull over…”

which is what happens. after a dinner of what else, galettes and crepes, a sunset watching spot is found. the car is parked.

you dangle your feet over a wall. and wait.

there are three moments that are important for sunset watchers. it can be as technical as you like but there are only three thing you search for.

the first moment is the light right before the sun drops. also known as golden light. or is it golden hour? you don’t care about the name.

what you do care about is the color of everything around you.

for a brief moment, everything just glows. bricks. sand. your skin. buildings. perhaps skin is your favorite. this is when you glance constantly at your arms, not believing the color your eyes see.

nothing, not even gulls fishing for dinner can escape the touch of this light.

but you must hurry.

because it never lasts long. a few minutes later, and the glow is gone.

but its okay. your second moment you look for is when the red balloon appears and meets the horizon.

that happens even more quickly. once the sun has left the scene, the third moment takes its place.

its when pink takes over the the entire sky.

and if you happen to be at the ocean, the pink that is in the sky is reflected onto the water. so pink is all over.

then suddenly, all this sunset watching stops as you realize your friends have gotten up and are doing funny poses.

what is going on, you wonder?

“mais qu’est-ce que vous faites?” you shout at them. but what are you guys doing?

they don’t respond. you wander closer for a better look.

ahh! tiny fish! lots of petits poissons all trapped by the wall of sand when a giant wave tossed them over. your friends were just throwing them back into the ocean.

then it is in the car, back to your friends’ home, and into bed. one more day in brittany.

the next morning is spent exploring quimper.

you tick off the last thing on your “to eat” list: the galette saucisse.

last moments spent with your friend.

kisses on the cheek.

hugs around the body.

then on a train to paris.

only to then catch a a plane to texas.

le voyage à nantes / a journey to nantes

2012-07-26T23:32:00.001-05:00

something funny is going on in nantes.

such as a lime green mountain randomly popping up.

[mont royal(e) by block architectes.]

or a giant marshmallow ghost of sorts wedged inside a balcony.

[kiss of the paraghost by danny steve.]

other than that, not much has changed in nantes. especially that pain au chocolat you had over one year ago that tastes exactly the same. you’ve not discovered a better one in all your visits to french bakeries. crispy, flaky, melty – it meets all the things you crave in a good pain au chocolat.

but back to nantes. you happen to arrive right when an art biennial has invaded. two, in fact. one for the city of nantes, and one for the river between nantes and saint nazaire.

nantes: le voyage à nantes

estuary: ESTUAIRE Nantes <> Saint Nazaire

which is why you find yourself on a boat. your friend works all day, so you’re left on your own to pass the time until she is free.

on this boat tour you learn about this area’s industrial history.

a bit about nature too: flowers, fauna, etc.

and a lot about contemporary art. installations are scattered along the river banks, but you can’t miss them as the guide points them out and the boat pauses for everyone to have a good look.

[la maison dans la loire by jean-luc courcoult.]

the trip down the river takes three hours. you may or may not have taken a little nap.

then the boat docks at saint nazaire, a port city.

here you’ll repeat what every french person told you about saint nazaire: saint nazaire? there’s nothing there, plus it’s ugly since everything was destroyed in the war. there is a giant shopping center though.

sadly, it’s quite true.

it doesn’t stop you from trying though to find something you like to do.

at the very least, it smells like ocean.

sometimes, that is all you need to enjoy the day. a good walk and a good smell. a simple combination, but one that always works well.

close, so close to the ocean. but not quite. that will be soon. you hop on a train back to nantes. after all, you have a dinner date.

the dinner date “accidently” turns into a chocolate and pistachio gelato date.

(which, you need to add, is balanced out by the indoor swimming date that happens later but where no camera was present. and where no camera will ever be present!)

when it is time to move on, you say goodbye to rhubarb growing above your head and a vegetable garden in the middle of a roundabout that will soon have zucchini and squash for the public to pick and eat.

you’ll be long gone before any of that is ripe.